The afternoon sun pierced lazily through the August afternoon, playing shadows over a hot sidewalk littered with cotton candy sticks and dropped ticket studs. I wandered through the zoo, lost but for just a second, not caring, so busy was I concentrating on the life-like behavior of the primates, blissfully ignorant as they chattered away between themselves, their hands combing through their mates’ hair as they ate their sunflower seeds and discussed their plans to mosey on down to the soccer field, in this case, a field belonging to Beitar Yerushalayim, after they finished watching the monkeys peel bananas.
*End recollection*
The vigilant reader, which you no doubt are, will realize what I did there. I conjured up a scene and forced the reader to pick a specific mindset, after which I rapidly turned the scene around, in the process snidely insulting an entire socio-economic group. Yes. I burned them. Which brings me to my main subject for this evening. Robert Burns. Known by a number of names, including “The Ploughman Poet” or “The Bard” (according to Wikipedia), the “Saviour of Scotland” (according to this site), “That Guy Who Kept On Winking At Us Until We Realized He Had A Tick” (according to Sara O’Conner ) or Ralph (according to that old drunk guy who calls anyone Ralph until you buy him a Happy Meal). Burns may be best known for his quote of:
“The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray”
According to the story, Burns, a farmer by trade and a righteous dude by night, was plowing and accidentally plowed through a mouse nest, built by a mouse who was unable to expect this. There are a number of possible conclusions which could be drawn.
Clearly, C is the right answer. And thus we come to the daily Jon-a-Burn. Jon, cleary concerned that people think too highly of him, has gone out of his way to ooze stupidity in a way that would leave even Lindsy Lohan jealous. His most recent posting, or brain flush, as I have come to call it, focused on:
Okay, so this leads me to the topic at hand - how drunk should one get at a social gathering of “eclectic” people?
No, Jon. This is not a good topic. This is known as over-thinking. Excessive thinking. Too much planning. You know where they planned a lot? In World War Two. And 22 million people died. Jon, stop trying to kill 22 million people. Sometimes, you just have to let it go. Live a little. As Calvin once sagely pointed out in a Calvin and Hobbes strip - “Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.” And pointless can’t be planned (go ahead, followers. Quote me on that.)
As for the chart of the day. Enjoy. And respect me for I managed to do this on Windows 98. Which is liking flossing with a rope ladder. Not easy.
Henry Kissinger. My, what an illustrious name to shout from the proverbial heights of this here online web log. Ahem. Blog (look at me, I’m hip and cool!). In a recent interview with Der Speigal, Henry Kissinger, a cynical politician so old he used to babysit Yoda, said “There are kinds of evil that need to be condemned and destroyed”.
And thus was born the purpose of this blog. Jon’s blog is evil. It is malicious and heinous, and while Swine Flu predates it, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jon’s blog was so evil that it created a time machine in order to disseminate the flu in the past. Cause that’s just the kind of thing his blog would do.
I realize that while this may be fun to just bash him, it wouldn’t exactly qualify as journalism. So without further adieu, I present to you my mission statement:
Expose the evils of Jon’s post. At least one evil per post. Follow it by a false fact which amuses me. Not for me nor you…but for the world. Because if the world doesn’t know, who does?
And so we begin. Jon has recently decided that in an effort to increase readership, he should begin to bash sectors of society who are not only on a lower socio-economic level but who also work hard to keep us safe and warm as we gorge ourselves on the byproducts of capitalism. Jon’s recent posting blatantly stated:
“So don’t give me an option here either. I am more than willing to pay for the service [security guards - E.B], I just don’t want the breakdown - let me enjoy my T-Bone, without the gory details”.
If this was an election commercial, my response would be something along these lines.
Hot dogs. Cotton candy. Leather body suits. All of these shout freedom. Because all of us love freedom, don’t we?
The answer is no.
Jon Hauser does not love freedom.
Jon Hauser knows that freedom relies on security guards. But he doesn’t want to know about them.
Jon Hauser doesn’t like the gory details.
Jon Hauser fries kittens on olive oil.
Why do you fry the kittens, Jon? Is it because they like FREEDOM?!
Stop the kitten frying. Stop the Osama Bin Jon. Stop parking in my parking spot.
I think that says it all. As for the interesting statistic of the day, recent number crunching has allowed me to create the following graph, which tracks a number of events over Jon’s first two posts, as well as projects the future based on these trends. A grim future indeed.
Thank you for reading.
In order to understand some of these posts, you should probably read Jon’s blog first. I refer you to this pit of despair not to condone it but in accordence with Sun Tzu’s belief that you should keep you friends close but your enemies closer.